earlyadventure.

August 8, 2008

So it’s 1:04a.m. right now. Why am I not sleeping? I have no idea. I got home from VBS around 10p.m. I took a bath and did my quiet time with God. I was really tired around 11:40p.m. but for some reason I just couldn’t sleep. I got on my computer and played Spider Solitaire for a while just to make my winning percentage higher. Since I haven’t been able to go online, Spider Solitaire has become a good friend of mine. So now I’m sitting in bed wondering why I don’t want to go to sleep. I was really exhausted earlier. If I laid down I could have easily passed out. However, I chose not to. Hm…I have no idea why I’m still up. I decided to do something more productive than Spider Solitaire, so now I’m typing this.

Am I still up because there are too many things on my mind? Well, let’s see what’s bothering me right now. Being able to trust God full heartedly is definitely on my mind. The whole Chao issue is definitely on my mind. How I’m going to pull off tomorrow’s lesson for VBS is definitely on my mind. How I’m going to balance work, school, and ISA is definitely on my mind. Wondering if I’m ever going to succeed as a med student and doctor is definitely on my mind. Wondering if I’m going to be able to live a happy and content life is definitely on my mind. Wow, I actually have a lot on my mind.

The other day after Night of Worship, NouV cracked my back…wow, it was loud. NouV said that I’m too stressed. My response was, “Really?” Many times I don’t realize I’m stressing. I stress so much that I don’t notice it anymore either. Do I stress? I don’t think so…but obviously my back begs to differ.

I don’t want to be sad anymore. However, I also don’t want to pretend I’m happy anymore either. People always comment on how I’m always happy and smiling and stuff. They say that they’ve never seen me sad or mad. This shocks me because I’m actually a pretty sad and mad person. However, I do thank God for giving me a pretty good life. There isn’t that much I can get upset about.

Man, I really really really want to have a heart like God. Right now I’m reading a book called “Capitivating.” I’m only on chapter two, but I read something that made me question God’s purpose in boys. The book stated that God created woman to complete man. Without women the world is incomplete. By creating a woman, God is showing the world that He is a God of relationship, adventure, and beauty: just as a heart of a woman. He wants us to pursue Him whole heartedly just as women want to be pursued whole heartedly by men. STOP! Right there. If God wants us to pursue Him whole heartedly, then why did God make guys. I mean, guys always like different girls at the same time. Even if they pursue you, is it whole heartedly??? How can it be whole heartedly when they have someone else in the back of their minds??? Ju always told me that a guy always has three hearts for different girls…or something along that line. Well, that’s my question of the night. I pray all the time for God to help me understand boys. I know it’s going to be a long journey. But if the answer to boys is at the end of the road, I’m ready to travel it.

Right now I’m learning more about my purpose in God as a single woman. Wait, am I a woman? Maybe I’m just a lady. Uh…I like being a girl. I don’t really feel like growing up. College is hard. Money sucks. And so do bills. I want to go back to kindergarten when my dad would put my clothes on for me in the morning and comb my hair like a boy. I would go to school without a care in the world. The only thing I wanted to do was have fun. As I get older I think a lot more with this brain of mine. Thinking is good, but too much thinking can definitely kill you.

Wow. Now I’m just rambling about a bunch of random things. Oh well, it’s still a stress reliever for me…for now at least.

Oh, the Thailand team came back. Seng seems super Thai now: always speaking in Thai. Makes me kind of miss Guatemala. Actually, I miss it a lot. But I’m glad to be home right now. But I’m leaving in FOUR days. Wow, my summer was a lot shorter than I thought. I’m missing out on so much. It seems as though the youth does everything when I can’t make it. But when I’m here, they don’t have anything to do. I’m going to be missing out on the Bonfire with Modesto and Merced. It’s okay, I’ll be with ISA.

Hmm….things I’m looking forward to this semester:

1) Sao visiting me before Christmas

2) Being social board leader

3) Leading small groups for ISA girls

4) Watching my brother Jeremiah grow

5) Doing well in school

6) POOL!!!! Richard Chung is going down.

So now it’s 1:32a.m. I need to be going to sleep now. Aiya. Yawn yawn.

Wow, I wrote a lot. I wonder if anyone read to the end of this.