Piecesofme.

July 27, 2008

So today at our Divine Warriors gathering, we learned about comparing ourselves to others. Wow. We took a survey…and I scored surprisingly high. If you received 20 or over then that meant that you struggle with comparing yourself to others. Haha. My score was 26. I never realized just how much I compared myself with those around me. I knew I did, but wow, I do it a lot. One of the survey questions was, “How often do you give other girls the once-over?” The once-over is basically judging another person at first sight or by their appearance. I put a five there: most of the times. Even if it’s a positive judgment, I’m still looking at them and comparing myself to them. I notice that I don’t just compare physical qualities between me and another girl; I also compare characteristics and abilities. I always try to be the “best” at everything. Sometimes when I see a girl who I think can be a better wife than me, I get irritated, or even a better girlfriend. Here’s a list of just some of the things I want to be best at:

1) School

2) Sports

3) Singing

4) Piano

5) Being a wife/girlfriend

6) Leader

7) Friend

**but I’ve noticed that when I try to be the best at everything…I’m only half good…because there are too many things to be good at.

When I compare myself with others, I may end up putting myself above other people. This is definitely wrong, because everyone, I mean EVERYONE, can definitely do something better than you. When I put others below me, I don’t give them the respect that I should. Also, when I put someone highly of me because they’re more beautiful, I’m also forgetting about how amazing God made me. When we forget, our self-esteem lowers…and we may even become emo and depressed. How does this make God feel? I bet He’s crying with frustration because we do not realize just how beautiful He made each and everyone one of us. God makes all things beautiful.

As human beings, we tend to focus on the negative than we do the positive. One mistake or flaw irritates us. But we have to remember that no one is perfect. Also, God allows mistakes and flaws so that we may learn and mature to be men and women of God. As they say, “Beauty is from the inside-out.”

Our culture today definitely tells us that physical beauty is everything. One has to be skinny, have flawless skin, perfect bone structure, proportioned body, etc…

NO! The only beauty I see in all of that is…nothing, unless you use it to praise the Lord.

With all of these things on my mind, I don’t have enough time to think about God and praise Him. I’m too focused on materialistic things instead of bringing glory to God.

I know during this time in my life, I’m still struggling with Chao and his new interest. I look at her and say to myself, “Of course he would like her. She is so much prettier than me, so much more humble, more talented….etc. Basically she’s better than me.” With these thoughts, I forget how amazing I am in the eyes of God. I too have my strengths, not just weaknesses. God made me the way I am so that I can impact the world for Him and no one else. We all have our own purpose and our own path that God has made for us. Our job is to forget all the shallow stuff and focus on Him so that we can figure out His purpose in us and make sure we follow the right path.

We need to appreciate all of the amazing people in our lives, but we cannot compare ourselves to them.

We also need to appreciate all of the, what we think are the “not so amazing” people because God put them in our lives for a purpose. Also, they too have amazing qualities within them. Even though we may not see them, God does.

So, the lesson learned:

Stop comparing myself to others and learn to appreciate everyone in my life. Bring glory to God in all I do and remember to focus on Him.

I LOVE JESUS, YES I DO. I LOVE JESUS, HOW ABOUT YOU????

LoveofGod ^^

An Exert from "When God Writes Your Love Story":

Love is the cologne of Christ. You can't get close to Him without catching its overwhelming fragrance. Love is the scent of Christ's true followers, too. And it's the fragrance of love that we, as Christ's followers, are personally responsible to drench ourselves in. Take off the cologne cap and just dump it. The heavier the aroma, the more of Jesus this world will understand and know.

Jesus wasn't mincing words when He said, "You will know My followers by their love." In other words, if there is no scent of Christ's love on someone, then they bear no evidence of true devotion to Christ. Love is our badge as Christians. Just as an FBI agent whips out his ID and states, "FBI!" we as Christians whip out our attitudes, actions, and words to prove, "I am with Him!"

MyExistingSituation

I took a quiz at http://www.colorquiz.com/

My Results:
Unwilling to extend herself or exert undue effort (with the possible exception of sexual activity). Feels that further progress requires more from her than she is willing or able to give. Would prefer reasonable comfort and security rather than the rewards of greater ambition.

Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement.

Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others' confidence in herself.

Problem 1:
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.

Problem 2:
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.


ALL I CAN SAY IS......WOW.

igetit

buttcrack.

Finally.

I'm finally letting go. I'm laying it all down before God.

brokenheart.

Lord, I'm really struggling nowadays. I'm sorry if I don't trust you at times.
I always let things get to my head before You.

Fill me up, Lord.
Create a peaceful heart within me.
I pray to be able to open my eyes to Your amazing love.

Lord, I can endure anything through You.

angermanagement.

dang. I really need to take up boxing.

fakelove.

I really appreciate those who appreciate me. I mostly see the good in everyone. People make me happy. I need people around...or else I feel lost and alone. Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated. But when there are people who pretend just so they don't hurt your feelings....they have no idea, but they're doing more damage. I rather people be honest than nice. Honesty shows that you have respect and consideration for the other person. I don't care if you lie to protect someone's feelings....that's retarded....once they find out the truth it hurts even more. There are so many retards in the world. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I know I'm a retard too. I just wish everyone wasn't scared so that we can get on with our lives. There would most definitely be less pain....I think...

Retards. Trying not to be the bad guy makes you the bad guy.
I'm pissed off....I don't care anymore.

Day 5 Thursday June 12, 2008

We wake up this morning excited to ride horses!!! Off we go. First we pick up the pastor because he knows where Peter’s land is at. We drive there and start picking mangos off the trees. Whoo. It was kind of scary because the mangos would fall out of nowhere and almost hit us. Then we got to ride horses. There were only two horses so we took turns. These two men just walked us around and back, then the more experienced riders, Elizabeth Anderson, Kaelin and Rachelle rode the horses by themselves. Meanwhile, swimming time!!! There was a small but big enough pool for us. They are so awesome because they cleaned he pool and put in new water just for us. It was so nice and relaxing. The water was kind of green but super nice. It was just green due to the chlorine. It was getting late so we had to leave. Peter said that we could return on Saturday and relax the whole day instead of just half the day – we still had VBS and church. Man, I have got to say that an experience I will never forget and forever miss is drying off while standing in the back of the truck with your arms open wide and screaming at the top of your lungs while the truck is going full speed. The bad part was that my bandana flew off because we were going so fast. L But it’s okay. It was only 98 cents at Wal-Mart. On the way back to the house, we stopped by a school supply store to get supplies for the carnival on Friday. That took forever. Only 4 people went so the rest of us were outside in the back of the truck waiting. Luckily Hermano Jorge parked in the shade. Meanwhile, we probably got about 20 honks in 45 minutes. They don’t honk at us because we’re super babes, mainly because we’re a whole truck full of girls and we’re foreigners. So that was a fun experience because I know I have never been honked at before. After the supplies, we hurried home and threw skirts on. We had to wear skirts every time we were doing anything with the church or just ministering. This is a religious/cultural thing. We ate lunch which was once again amazing. There was beef stew and something similar to laap. It kind of tasted like the stuff they have in the burritos at the burrito stand. It was good. Man people didn’t like it so I got some extra. I was very proud of myself because I’m usually a picky eater and I don’t finish all my food. However, here I actually liked the food and I’m eating all of it. Yay me. Now, it was off to Champas for day two of VBS. This time we were supposed to start at 2:00. We arrived at 2:05 but not many people were there and the pastor hadn’t set up the sound system either. We only waited about 5 min before they came. Since worship was kind of awkward yesterday, the ladies from the church lead worship instead. They even had a CD with songs that they sang along with. We all had a blast singing the songs because of the motions. We also sang a duck one. Quack quack quack quack quack. Next was the memory verse!!! Joshua 1:9. Then another animal story of Noah’s ark. Then we had game time. We did the over and under game with sponges and buckers of water. Instead of going under we just went over: it was simpler. Craft time. We colored arks and put some random stickers on it. We each had our own groups too. After handing out snacks, we headed home for church again. Earlier Bianca had explained to us that many of the people in her church have never prayed quietly like we do. Therefore, they weren’t convinced that we were praying for them. They expected us to actually go up to each person and lay our hands upon them and pray loudly. I knew tonight would be a totally different experience for all of us. Another thing that was different for us was that when they prayed, they not only cried hard and loud, but they would also fall. They would just fall back and sob and sob and sob. Thinking about all of this I thought of how much of a blessing it would be to have Monica here. She is such a prayer warrior and has more experience in this stuff that I do. I started to pray over this man and I just started balling. I started to pray for God to rain down his love upon us and to hold our hands and wrap us in his arms of love. Moving on I saw Kaelin down on her knees praying for a boy who had fallen. She too was cryng. Elizabeth, Melissa and Ashley were on stage playing worship. Most of the people who went up front to pray had gone back. When Melissa started singing, all of us girls raised our voices and it was one of the most beautiful things ever. When we got home Ashley tripped and knocked over a plate that was high. The plate fell on her toe and gave her a deep cut. We ate dinner around 9:00 and then prepared stuff for the carnival tomorrow. While working on the stuff, we watched Miss Congeniality then fell asleep because we were so exhausted.

Piercing eyes.

I guess I am the bad guy.
Many eyes tell me so.

notitle.

Man, I've been seeing God work so much around me. It's amazing.
I want to write more....but i'm tired....so peace out.

Three.

Jumping rope

The driveway of Bianca's family's land.

Day 4 Wednesday June 11, 2008

This morning we woke up and drove to Bianca’s family’s land. It was awesome because we drove over this huge bridge. The river there was amazing. We went down and saw small fish in the water too. Then we hopped back in the car to Bianca’s land. There are some strange fruit trees there. Muy interesante. The land was big but the house was quite small. We wanted to see the hot springs nearby but the road to it was closed. So we turned back and headed to the “downtown” area. There, Bianca, Hermano Jorge (Bianca’s dad) y yo fuimos al banco para cambiar dinero. (We went to the bank to change money.) My traveler checks were preventing me from helping myself and the team. I changed $1,000 and got 7,435 quetzales back. The whole thing took about 30 minutes. So long! Afterwards we met the other girls who have been at the internet café. Most were checking email and facebook while Ashley, Elizabeth, and Kaelin were looking for worship song chords. We headed back home and prepared for VBS. We also had lunch: meat loaf and rice = delicious. While preparing for VBS we didn’t’ know what to expect because today was going to be the first day. VBS wasn’t supposed to start until 3:00 p.m. We arrived at Champas around 2:15. When we arrived everyone was already there. So we had no time to prepare because they expected us to start. So there we were unprepared and a bit lost. We tried to start with worship but we didn’t lead it very effectively. Next was the memory verse: Joshua 1:9. Story time. Adam and Eve. We grabbed kids from the audience to be animals with us as Elisabeth read the story. The kids enjoyed the monkeys best. Next was the craft. We started with coloring pages. That settled the kids down for a while. Then we started to handout animal pieces that are put together by stickers. That was a bit chaotic. We ended up just giving everyone pieces of the animals. As long as they got something they were happy. Afterwards was jump roping for game time! The kids were so excited. So many kids jumped and jumped and faught to jump; it was awesome. We then handed out snacks and cleaned up to leave. The kids had so much fun. We did too but were exhausted. We finished and got home around 4:30 to 5:00. We still had to attend church service at 6:30. We rested a bit then went to church. Church service was fun because they sang a lot. Each song was literally 10 minutes long…trust me, I watched the clock. The congregation was very passionate though. That night they introduced us and we each said something we liked about the trip so far. That night Hermana Blanca (Bianca’s mom) spoke passionately. Then they had intercessory prayer. I’ve seen it before but have never been expected to help lead in it. I personally am not a prayer warrior, but through this experience I have definitely learned so much about the power of prayer. Many of the other girls weren’t used to intercessory prayer or have never seen it before. Therefore, all we did was stand in the back and pray for them because we were asked to pray for them. After church it was so much fun trying to talk to everyone with the small Spanish we knew. Everyone expressed so much happiness for having us there. We were soon off to home super exhausted. Sleep. Yay.

Two.

Us at the Bianca's house eating.

Day 3 Tuesday June 10, 2008

6:20 a.m. we wake up. Morning devotion time! I read Daniel chapter 3 about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. I also read about God’s power and love in Isaiah 40. After breakfast, we were going to check out the church but got a call from the doctor. We headed towards the hospital all stuffed in a small car. At the hospital we met the doctor as he explained what he had planned for us today. Today he had a diabetic patient come in who needed to clean some open wounds on his legs. With diabetes, your arteries close which limits the glucose from the blood from entering into the mitochondria to produce insulin, the body has a harder time healing wounds. Since the old man got a little open sore on his leg, his body was not able to heal it due to lack of insulin so the sores just got bigger and bigger. We watched the doctor clean his wounds by scrubbing hard on them with anti-bacterial soap. He then scraped the dead skin off and covered his legs with a cream made from herbs. Then he wrapped his leg. Later, we went upstairs to pray for a neighbor who was having surgery. After we all prayed for him, he accepted Jesus into his heart. That was pretty amazing. Next up, we visit the church where we are going to have the carnival. It was pretty small but quite cool. The pastor and his family lived right behind the church which was actually connected to the church. They had an upstairs with open rooms where the kids read and sing. From up there you could see the beautiful mountain and hills. Then the pastor was taking us to visit Las Champas, the place we were going to hold VBS. Las Champas is a small village nearby that is pretty poor. The land there was a lot of muddy and it was a lot more jungle life. The church was called “Nuevo Jerusalem.” We walked around Las Champas in groups of 4 to 5 doing a small prayer walk. Afterwards we met up in the church and prayed. We then headed back home while Bianca, Melissa and I prepared to go see a surgery!!! We are a quick lunch which was so amazing. There was delicious chicken and amazing rice that tasted like fried rice. There was also salad. Porstertomine was the name of the surgery. The same man we prayed for earlier need to take out prostate from his urinary system. We got to the hospital and changed into sterilized scrubs. Super super cool. We put the shoe coverings and the head covering on. We washed our hands all the way up to our elbows then went in. The patient was lying down on a bed that looked like the ones they use for ladies in labor. His legs were propped up because the surgeon was going to stick a metal tube in his “thing.” The metal tubing looked like a long skinny gun. At the end of the gun was a cutting device so that he can cut the prostate gland. The prostate that was left in the system could become cancerous. At the front of the gun was a little hole to look into. Through this, the surgeon was able to see what he was cutting. He let us look into it before he cut it all out and after. Once in a while after cutting, he would pull out the smaller tube and hook a big syringe to the larger tube and suck out the water and prostate pieces. In the end, all the prostate was out and it looked like ground beef. It weighed about 20g. The procedure took about 2 ½ hours and we stood there the whole time. Luckily they had air conditioning in the room so it wasn’t humidly hot. The surgery wasn’t exactly as I had expected because most of the time all we saw was the doctor looking into the tube and pulling the trigger to cut. After the surgery, the doctor showed us some x-rays from another patient they plan on operating later. Muy interesante. We went back home expecting to rest from standing for 3 hours. However, we walked to a couple of stores to get tostadas (thin sugar cookies). Kaelin, the braid master, starts braiding Bianca’s grandma’s hair at the store. A little girl saw and then wanted Kaelin to braid her hair too. So we walked down to her house which was only a house down and braided her hair. She was only 10 years old. When we got back home we are a quick dinner of fried eggs and black beans with sweet bread. Yum. After dinner we headed to Bianca’s uncle’s house for bible study. It was funny when we got there because they wanted us to lead the bible study on the spot. Impromptu. So Kaelin volunteered to give the message of God’s love and we sang worship. Then came the prayer session. Prayer here is so powerful. People were crying everywhere and just burning for God. And when they pray, they not only cru, the shout and praise and speak in tongues. For some reason it didn’t scare me though. I always thought I would be scared at scenes like this. After prayer, we prayed many times, we ate snacks. It was chowmein with ketchup. It sounds gross, but it was delicious. Apparently I was the only one who thought so. It was definitely an amazing night. I had fun.

One.

Day 1-2 Monday June 9, 2008
Wow. We made it to Guatemala. The trip so far has been muy interesante. First off, I had to fly from Sacramento to Los Angeles. Standing in line to get my ticket, I noticed an Asian family in front of us. To my surprise they were Hmong (not that I’ m surprised to see Hmong people, they just didn’t look and then I went up. I only had to wait about 3 min, literally, until they started to board. Right as I was about to hand my ticket they pulled out the Hmong grandma that I had seen earlier. Apparently she didn’t know she was supposed to give them her ticket and just walked through. I thought about asking if they needed help with translation but for some reason I was scared. Well, I got into the plane and sat all the way in the back. I later saw the old grandma sit so I was a bit relieved. I sat next to the window and saw a middle aged man come and sit next to me. Right away he started talking, making a few comments here and there. I knew he was going to be a talker. He commented about how he was glad to have brought a certain book with him. I asked him what book it was. The title had something to do with lust written by Christopher Moore. I was a bit shocked because I expected something a bit more intelligent. He then asked me what kind of books I read. I said, “Mostly Christian books.” Then he asked me what I meant by Christian books. I told him books that guided me through life. He replied, “Oh.” Yeah. Then we both started talking a lot about random things. I could tell he wasn’t a strong believer at that. So I thanked God for the opportunity. I kind of worked my way through the subject. It was pretty intimidating because: 1) he was older 2) he was a huge talker and talkers are intimidating. Basically, what he believes is that religion is similar to that of the story of the blind men and then elephant. Each of the blind men felt different parts of the elephant and believed it was something different. But they were all feeling the same thing. He believes that every religion has a correct part of religion. He also believes that the main purpose of life is to do good and then world will do good back to you. He is focusing on the here and now and not the future. I thought it was interesting so I asked what religion he was. He said that he didn’t really have one but he’d most likely be a Quaker. He likes the Quaker religion because they don’t really tell you what to do. It’s more of your own trial and error. They have resources to help you in your “journey” through. So I guess they guy just wanted freedom and control. He didn’t want someone telling you what is right or wrong. Well we ended up talking the whole flight about politics, religion, animals, pets and travel. We even talked about girls. This guy has eaten so many cool things such as snake, alligator, and even whale.
Well, the flight was over and we exited the plane. Walking out I headed towards the baggage claim area. I saw the old Hmong lady walking somewhere. I decided not to be scared and helped her. I walked up to her and asked her if she needed help. She looked at me with surprise. So I looked at her ticket and explained to her that she had to wait 2 hours for her next flight. Then we went to the bathroom. I took her to her gate. I was going to eat dinner with her and chill. All of a sudden I forgot that I had to go get my luggage!!! Shoot. I started rushing to help her. She wanted to make sure that there would be a person to wheelchair her to her next flight because when she came out of the last flight no one was there. So I spoke to the flight attendants and got her some water. I felt so bad because there wasn’t much that I could do because I wasn’t able to directly speak to anyone assisting her flight. She was on her way to France to visit her daughter. Afterwards I rushed down to baggage claim praying that my bag was still there. I was freaking out because I didn’t know if my bag was going to be gone and I didn’t know how far the United terminal was from the Delta terminal. When I freak out I need someone to talk to. I called Chao. No answer. I called Sao. No answer. I called Monica. No answer. Man. I ran around the baggage claim for about 5 to 7 minutes. Found my bag!!! Yay! Now I had to find where Delta was. Luckily it was only two terminals down. So I’m walking like a madwoman and I see Elizabeth Anderson, one of my teammates. We walk all the way down terminal 5 and found nothing. Then we realized that we had to go upstairs for departures. We reached upstairs and found the rest of our team! Hallelujah! Got in line. Got our tickets. Ready to go! McDonalds was for dinner. I was speaking to Sao when I realized how much I missed my friends. I missed Chao too. Chao called me back. We spoke. He was the last one I spoke to before boarding the plane. On the plane, we waited and waited for take-off. The flight was about 4 ½ hours long. During that time I watched 27 dresses, played a couple of games and slept. Destination reached! We got off the plane and to my surprise it was raining and it looked cold. However, it was humidly hot at 5:40 I the morning. We got out luggages and were picked up by Bianca’s parents in a van. We had a total of 23 luggages for ten girls!!! So the back was packed with luggages and only enough seats for 9 people; there were 13 of us. Obviously we all squeezed together. People were sitting on other people and stuff. Apparently those kinds of things are not illegal over there. We even rode on the back of a truck! All ten of us!!! We stopped along the way at Chicken something. It’s a chicken fast food restaurant. The chicken was muy rico-very delicious. While driving through Guatemala, I noticed that it reminded me of Thailand. There were chickens and cows and horses running around. There was also a lot of jungle. When we got to Bianca’s house we chilled and ate lunch. They actually made chow mein and chicken soup-so delicious. By this time it wasn’t even 12p.m. yet. We chilled and chilled then the pastor who we were going to be working with visited us. We spoke of what was planned and what was needed for the carnival and VBS for the kids. Afterwards we prayed and walked down the street to Bianca’s aunt’s store for cream cheese. We went back home and ate dinner: tortillas with black beans and cheese and fried plantains. Yum Yum. We then had a short meeting and then prepared for bed. I took a nice cold shower. It was interesting but it felt good, night time.

freshstart.

July 1^st, 2008

So today was my first day back home. I have a new brother and I’m soooo excited. His name is Jeremiah Lee. Yesterday I went back to Biola after Nate picked me up. They’re painting a lot of buildings. Sigma Chi looks so different. I cannot even tell that it’s Sigma anymore. I miss Biola a lot, but I feel that I need to be at home and learn to deal with whatever I need to here, spiritually and socially. I’m actually really excited to see how God’s going to reveal my purpose to me the rest of this summer. I have definitely learned a lot about leaving everything to God and trusting in Him to take care of everything. Even when I’m alone and hurting I know that He will always be there for me. For through our weakness He is stronger. Man, I am so exhausted from my trip, but I still have so much to do.

Here is my new “to do” list:

1. Learn more Hmong-read Hmong and English Bible together

2. Finish my two books-When God Writes Your Love Story, Captivating

3. Watch some cool movies

4. Continue trusting in God even in hard times

5. Make goals for Ivan

6. Plan culture awareness events with Alex

7. Hang out with Monica and go shopping for room stuff

8. Finish my blog for Guatemala

I know that there is a lot to do. But I am determined to do it. I watched “Facing the Giants” while at Guatemala and a quote that got to me was, “If you accept defeat then that’s what you’ll get.” This is definitely true. One thing I’m dealing with currently that is hard is the fact that Chao is now possibly engaging in other relationships. It definitely hurts, but I’m actually okay with it. I’ve learned to deal with it because I have given so much of myself to him already. If I become upset and jealous then I’ll just be giving more to him that may not even belong to him. My emotions and my heart right now only belong to God and me.

I’ve been missing my youth group a lot. At Guatemala, we hung out with the youth group and they’re so awesome. I loved the guys so much because they reminded me of the guys in my youth group at home. Another girl said that she didn’t have guys like that at home. I never realized how amazing the guys were at our church. I mean I knew they were amazing, but I never realized just how amazing they are. I cannot wait to go to church and chill.

I’ve also learned a lot about friendship. There are some people who pick sides and I’ve finally determined who I do and do not want in my life. I’m not gonna cut anyone out of my life, I just won’t care for them as much. I’m the kind of person who does almost anything for a friend. I try to be considerate and respectful all the time. I love making others feel special. However, when someone else shows me disrespect or no consideration, I tend to hold grudges. I put so much time in my relationship with them and for them to not even appreciate it I get a little upset. But now I’m learning to change. I just won’t be emotionally attached anymore. I get way too emotional. I don’t know how Ju does it, but I’m learning.